Monday, April 26, 2010
Here I am, a week later, and not much has changed. The worst has passed and things have gone back to "normal." By normal, I mean, life. Life goes on, right? The laundry must be done, the kids bathed, dinner made and so on. I have no escape, if I don't do these things, no one will. I have responsibilities that cannot be ignored but I feel as though when it comes to his home life, he does not. In additon, any inconvenience is my fault or turns into my concern. He can't fall asleep? I need to make sure that he does so that he isn't tired for work the next day. He' hungry? I have to make sure he has something to eat otherwise I won't be able to go to sleep. This goes on and on, no joke. People say that after you have kids things change and the romance is gone for the most part. I get that, I really do. It makes sense after all. But this is ridiculous, and he doesn't even see or acknowledge how bad it has gotten. I resent that he always has the last word. He doesn't use physical violence but he is so manipulative and always, always gets his way. After he has won an argument once again, I feel like a miniature version of myself, in a very negative way. I just continue to hope that nothing more blows up, and that maybe, just maybe things will get better. Am I just dreaming?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Today is a day I would refer to as The Day After, but it is just another day. There are so many days after that I cannot even keep count. I am referring of course to the day after a huge fight. The story goes like this: I go to sleep miserable, in tears, and depressed and I wake up to a husband who acts as though nothing happened. I am once again expected to be the obedient, pleasant wife who takes care of his every need, refusing to address serious and crucial issues. Everything just gets bottled up and one day it will explode. It's just a question of when. I tell him this all of the time, but it does not phase him. He chooses to ignore it and move on with his life. He refuses to admit that we need help and that things cannot stay this way but he's too much of a "man" to admit that. Admitting it is a sign of weakness in his opinion and that can never happen. Of course not. So where does that leave me? Sad, overwhelmed, and overburdened. Sure, I can be distracted by my day-to-day life for the time being, and even smile from time to time when my kids bring me joy, but what good does that do? Disguise my pain temporarily? For how long this time? That is probably the most important question I can ask myself right now. The even more pressing question is what can be done to make things better? How do I get my voice heard? Six and half years of marriage and the core of my being is dwindling away...When did I stop having a say, a real say?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
This blog is way over due. I've been meaning to start a blog for the longest time now, but just never got around to it. There have been a number of topics I wanted to blog about, but the topic of this blog is probably the most important since it is what has brought me to finally start blogging. To put it simply, I am absolutely miserable. This wouldn't be so unusual except that I am the mother of three beautiful children, I'm healthy, and I have every reason in the world to be happy. That is, except for one. I am married to a man who makes me miserable. Before I get booed for bringing up such a commonly heard sob story, let me explain. I have so much to say and no way to say it. This is my only way of allowing my voice to be heard. I have to cut it short this time, but I hope that through this blog I will find some comfort, of some sort.